When plans change

I have not written in a while.

I've not had anything worth writing about, or I thought I didn't.

My last photo update I actually had something to talk about, that I wanted to share, but we weren't ready to share yet.

We had just found out a week before that we had another baby on the way! To say we were shocked was un understatement. I don't know exactly what made me test but I did. 

Maybe it was because Daniel said he had a dream I was pregnant and a couple weeks before that I also had one, maybe I subconsciously knew, whatever it was I picked up a test and took it that night when I got home.

I watched as the dye went over the first test line area and then the control area, fully expecting to see a negative. But as I watched a line started to show up. 

My jaw dropped.

With in two minutes time all the plans I had, the picture I had in my head for our little family life, they all had to change. I was scared, I was mad, I was anxious, I was excited, I was such a mix of emotions moment to moment that I cannot even identify and label them all. I cried, I laughed and I tried to wrap my mind around it.

Daniel didn't believe it, or he didn't want to. He kept saying "No I know you're not, it's just like that cause it's a cheap test." So I went the next day and picked up a pack of digital tests. Not so shocking to me this time it popped up telling me I was pregnant!

I called up my OB and set up an appointment for two days from then. My regular OB was out of town so I saw the one that was available. At my appointment I explained that I had a cycle since giving birth in February so I had no idea how far long I was. We did a ultrasound and did not see anything so she sent me for blood work and it was determined that I tested one or two day after implantation. While with this OB I explained my history of miscarriage and that my OB and I determined I needed to be put on progesterone supplements right away. She would not give me the prescription, she wanted me to come back for more blood work and another ultrasound before she would give it to me.

December 14th I ended up miscarrying, again. I was crushed, and at the same time I was a huge mix of emotions. Two years previously (2010) with my second pregnancy I also miscarried December 14th. Daniel and I were not fully ready for another baby, but we sure as heck did not want to loose him/her! We both feel that due to the fact that the OB I saw would not write me the prescription when I first saw her it caused me to miscarry again. We have been taking our time to grieve and will soon be taking action filing a complaint against this OB and Kaiser. We don't know what if anything will come of it but it is not ok that this OB disregarded what I told her needed to happen with my and my baby's health management.

My plans had to change again. The picture I had made for my new growing family was shattered just as fast as that line popping up on the test changed it. Only this time it was taken away from me, I was not given a choice.

My heart still hurts over this loss but I am coping better than I have before. I have a beautiful son to keep my focus on rather than the hurt of loss, and I try to just focus on the positive. That because I have been through this not once or twice, but three times now I can relate and help others going through a miscarriage as well. I can be there to support them, to show them that there is life after the loss, even if right in that moment of darkness it seems like there is no way out and things will never cary on. 

I am the voice of the hundreds of women effected each day by pregnancy loss. Not afraid to speak of my experience and break the silence that they suffer through because nobody wants to hear about loosing a baby. I'm not alone. I have a sisterhood of other grieving mothers who get it, who also are not scared to give a voice to others about this. It's a community that nobody wants to be a part of ever but you cannot image being without.