I posted the other day that my emotions seemed to be well not out of control but not in check. I find myself getting very easily mad for no reason. Somebody left a comment on this post saying that what is going on with me could possibly be "delayed grief". The more I think about it the more it makes sense. The fist miscarriage (Aiden) was totally unexpected, no warning that it was going to happen, no spotting or anything no cramps, just sudden gushing blood. The second miscarriage (Poppy) I had spotting, I knew right then that the pregnancy was not going to last. It broke my heart but I had 3 days to prepare myself for the inevitable. At that point I also kind of went numb, it seemed as though every nerve and emotion just shut down because if it didn't I would be overwhelmed with grief. I didn't even realize it was going on though but I know I didn't want to feel that pain.
I just thought that because I had been through a miscarriage before I was just handling it better. Obviously I now know this is/was not the case. On top of the second miscarriage (which happened a week before Christmas) that I was not dealing with, my brother died very unexpectedly in the beginning of February (not even two months after my miscarriage) and I had to make all the memorial/burial arrangement. Which included calling and telling people he had passed and when the service would be. That's a lot of stress for somebody to try and handle.
So now that I have realized this fact, I must try and figure out how to properly allow myself to grieve. I am thinking that I will check out the grief group at our church. Hopefully that will be a starting point for me. I have to re-give myself permission to grieve...it's not going to be an easy thing to do.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but based on your description it sounds like that is exactly what you are going through. Feeling this way is normal, but it makes it incredibly hard to get through the day and feel normal and like you can function. I say do whatever works for you, whether it be seeing a therapist, writing down your feelings, taking antidepressents temporarily, or whatever else. I wish you all the best=)
ReplyDeleteYou have had so much to deal with in just a few short months. It does seem like you have identified why your emotions are so up and down. I have had a rough year, too--and reading your post I realize that my beloved Grandparents deaths (in June and Sept) had already unbalanced my emotions-before the joy of my surprise "impossible" pregnancy...and the heartache of losing her at 12 weeks to something out of our control. Their deaths are also part of my lingering grief.
ReplyDeleteI also think that there is no time table for grief. and no straight line from grief to acceptance to no longer grieving. I have accepted that I lost the only pregnancy I ever had after years and years of trying. I grieve every day...and yet I don't. It's so hard to explain.
I am very much short tempered and irritable. Things I used to be tolerant of irk me to no end. I am tired. Yet, when I realize it's b/c of the miscarriage-it takes my breath away. That I am still grieving-even though it seems like a dream--and I have accepted it catches me unawares--that even if I feel like I have moved on...I haven't.
You are not alone. I have lived through 3 miscarriages. I was able to grieve by talking about it and letting the tears run. I know I will meet my lost angels in heaven. ~ Ellen
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