When plans change

I have not written in a while.

I've not had anything worth writing about, or I thought I didn't.

My last photo update I actually had something to talk about, that I wanted to share, but we weren't ready to share yet.

We had just found out a week before that we had another baby on the way! To say we were shocked was un understatement. I don't know exactly what made me test but I did. 

Maybe it was because Daniel said he had a dream I was pregnant and a couple weeks before that I also had one, maybe I subconsciously knew, whatever it was I picked up a test and took it that night when I got home.

I watched as the dye went over the first test line area and then the control area, fully expecting to see a negative. But as I watched a line started to show up. 

My jaw dropped.

With in two minutes time all the plans I had, the picture I had in my head for our little family life, they all had to change. I was scared, I was mad, I was anxious, I was excited, I was such a mix of emotions moment to moment that I cannot even identify and label them all. I cried, I laughed and I tried to wrap my mind around it.

Daniel didn't believe it, or he didn't want to. He kept saying "No I know you're not, it's just like that cause it's a cheap test." So I went the next day and picked up a pack of digital tests. Not so shocking to me this time it popped up telling me I was pregnant!

I called up my OB and set up an appointment for two days from then. My regular OB was out of town so I saw the one that was available. At my appointment I explained that I had a cycle since giving birth in February so I had no idea how far long I was. We did a ultrasound and did not see anything so she sent me for blood work and it was determined that I tested one or two day after implantation. While with this OB I explained my history of miscarriage and that my OB and I determined I needed to be put on progesterone supplements right away. She would not give me the prescription, she wanted me to come back for more blood work and another ultrasound before she would give it to me.

December 14th I ended up miscarrying, again. I was crushed, and at the same time I was a huge mix of emotions. Two years previously (2010) with my second pregnancy I also miscarried December 14th. Daniel and I were not fully ready for another baby, but we sure as heck did not want to loose him/her! We both feel that due to the fact that the OB I saw would not write me the prescription when I first saw her it caused me to miscarry again. We have been taking our time to grieve and will soon be taking action filing a complaint against this OB and Kaiser. We don't know what if anything will come of it but it is not ok that this OB disregarded what I told her needed to happen with my and my baby's health management.

My plans had to change again. The picture I had made for my new growing family was shattered just as fast as that line popping up on the test changed it. Only this time it was taken away from me, I was not given a choice.

My heart still hurts over this loss but I am coping better than I have before. I have a beautiful son to keep my focus on rather than the hurt of loss, and I try to just focus on the positive. That because I have been through this not once or twice, but three times now I can relate and help others going through a miscarriage as well. I can be there to support them, to show them that there is life after the loss, even if right in that moment of darkness it seems like there is no way out and things will never cary on. 

I am the voice of the hundreds of women effected each day by pregnancy loss. Not afraid to speak of my experience and break the silence that they suffer through because nobody wants to hear about loosing a baby. I'm not alone. I have a sisterhood of other grieving mothers who get it, who also are not scared to give a voice to others about this. It's a community that nobody wants to be a part of ever but you cannot image being without.

Photo Update

Demitri is getting big by the day! In just two days he will be 10 months old! I cannot believe how quickly this year has flown by, in just two months we will be celebrating his first birthday! Each day I am reminded just how blessed I am. Our Thanksgiving went great, we spent the day with family eating and watching football. And Demitri has been loving our Christmas preparation! All the lights on the tree just capture his attention! We cannot wait for this first Christmas, it is going to be so much fun!

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Day 2012

I feel that this used to be something I wrote about a lot. 
When my wounds were fresh and my heart was still newly broken. I have journeyed through two miscarriages. I know the heartache and physical pain felt when your dream is taken away in the blink of an eye. I know what it is like to feel so alone and guilty. To feel like nobody understands, that there is nobody to talk to. I know what it is like...but I also know now that it's not true...

Did you know that there is one small day in October dedicated to pregnancy and infant loss remembrance/awareness? October 15th of each year there is something called the Wave of Light. At 7pm (whatever time zone you are in) a candle is lit for one short hour in honor of the life gone too soon. People from all over the world-seperated by time and space- coming together to support each other in one simple act.

Last year a friend of mine set up a large balloon release. There were over 200 names submitted  from people who had lost a child either during pregnancy or infancy. It ended up being an emotional event for her and all those involved. 

If you would like to see more photos or the documentary video created please check out the attached links.

This year I have been able to help her in collecting more names from families who have suffered a loss as well as setting up a walking event! We are walking to honor the lives of those babies lost to miscarriage, still birth, SIDS, birth defects, and any other form of infant loss.

We are accepting the names/dates of babies from anywhere in the world! To submit a name please visit here.

To participate in the day of walking event as either a local (Wautaga, TX) or "long distance" walker please register here. If you are in San Diego area and would like to participate I have set up a walking location in Carlsbad, please check out the Facebook event page for more info. We will be walking for one hour, registration is free and participants are suggested to wear light pink and/or baby blue which are the colors of the Babyloss ribbon. If you do decide to come we also ask that you print out this form with you to the event.

Participants have the option of gathering sponsors to help raise money for Art Cards. Each card purchased will be given to Dr offices, hospitals, birthing centers, and doulas to give to women experiencing a loss. The cards have a beautiful painting on the front and a message of comfort and sympathy on the back, along with available online resources for grief.
If you cannot make it to one of the set events you can still walk on your own in honor of those gone and those grieving.

Having suffered through our own losses, we believe that there is not better way to honor the all to short loves of our lost children than to turn our grief into something beautiful by reaching out and helping other women experiencing the heartache of baby loss. We understand and remember how isolating it can feel and knowing that there are others out there who have gone through the same thing greatly helps!

We would be honored if you entrusted us with the memory of your child. They will not be forgotten!

Little sapling - "legacy tree"

Remember my post about Demitri's first solid food? 

Well this is our little sprouted sapling from the avocado that he ate. We are going to transfer it to a pot soon and hopefully it will continue to grow! I am going to make it a little more special by taking some of my encapsulated placenta and adding it to the soil to "feed" it. So here it is, Demitri's little legacy tree! Maybe one day it will be really big and he will be able to play under it while enjoying some more avocados. 

A friend suggested we try grafting it, since avocados are really weird now and apparently will not produce fruit unless grafted. Not sure why that is... I may look into that since the tree it came from is an old rare one.

Elimination Communication

Elimination communication is form of "non potty training".
Basically from infancy you learn cues as to when your baby needs to go potty so you can set them on the toilet before they use their diaper. There by teaching them to just use the potty rather than having to un-teach using their diaper as the potty.
In our case it's not been so much learn, cues as he gives no sign as to when he needs to go pee only when he needs to poop, so each hour and right after waking up I go and set him on the potty.
So far in my experience this is not something to start if you cannot do it full time because like with regular potty training progress made will be lost if not worked on/with consistently. But over all it is easy to do and he has been loving going on the potty!

We bought him one of the Fisher Price training toilets that plays music each time he goes, and we clap and cheer for him each time as well. So he is always proud of himself and has big grins on his face. It would be great if we could get him out of diapers and fully potty dependent before he is two!

I thought the elimination communication would be really difficult but one day I just went for it, so if it is something you are interested in give it a try! If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. But the few people I have talked to about it and have then gotten to try it out have all found it to be easy and that their baby loves going on the potty!

7 months pictures

Over half a year old now! It's all going by just so incredibly fast, and while I'm enjoying every moment I wish it would slow down just a little because I know he wont stay 'this' baby forever. Between being 6 and turning 7 months he started crawling up the stairs all on his own, saying mama, pooping and peeing on the potty more, and starting to stand and balance himself on his own this past week.  My baby boy is growing so fast.

I wish I had more to write about but I really don't feel like I do. There is so much going on these days but I'm so busy that when I do finally have time to sit and write I just draw a blank as to what to say. Maybe I'll start getting better at blogging again soon...

D.I.Y Star Wars Halloween costume pt 1

Just a little over a moth before Halloween is here. I've been working on making Demitri's Halloween costume and so far it is coming along great! It has been easy to do, super cheap (we have spent NO money so far!), and I am having fun doing it!

Demitri and dada will be going as Yoda and Luke! I can tell you're not all that surprised. Which is ok, but Daniel has had baby's first halloween costume planned since we found out I was pregnant!

We're on a "lets not spend any money" budget right now so I had to find a way to make him a Yoda costume that....fit in that budget so here is what I did.

1) I found an OLD large white kitchen towel, and while looking at it thought "hmm this texture would be great for making his Jedi robes.

2) I took the towel and dyed it using tea. I tossed it into a large bowel, threw 4 or 5 regular tea bags in with it and poured boiling water over top allowing it to brew and absorb into the fibers for probably 15 minutes.

3) Once it looked close to the color I wanted I took the bowl and dumped the tea out then let the newly dyed towel dry out flat in the sun. If the color ended up being lighter than what I wanted once dried it would be easy enough to dye it again either with more tea (or coffee for a definite darker appearance).

4) That evening I took my dyed towel upstairs, folded it in half, and laid it flat so I could draw my pattern on it. I did three different drafts of lines before cutting, and to draw the lines I used sidewalk chalk. In this picture you can see the three different colors I used. First green, then purple, and finally red. Then I taped it down to keep both sides even and cut it out.

5) I don't have a functioning sewing machine right now so I hand sewed it together. And the side of the body that was cut off, I used the scraps to make a hood!

6) And here is part one of his completed Jedi robes. I'm so proud of it because I did it ALL from scratch with zero help from anybody or anything.

The Belt.

1) For the belt I took a pillow case that I do not need/use (due to the odd large square shape) and cut it up. 

2) I took just a long strip that was only dark brown and sewed it together inside out then flipped it to hide the stitching. I found some old watch links sitting in a jewelry box in the closet and added those to the center of the belt for some cool unique detailing.

I was going to add some velcro to the ends as a fastener but decided to just leave it as a tie belt so it can stay nice and snug on his skinny tush.

Next we will be working on his cane and hat (the Yoda ears). It's mazing what you can do with stuff you just have lying around the house!