Is this it? Is the journey finally over?

Hey anybody notice my blog title change?

After 21 long months, and two heartbreaking miscarriages, it looks like our journey might finally be over. I took a test this morning (10 days past ovulation) not expecting anything, but after 2-3 minutes there was what looked like a light pink line. But I knew that with the brand of test I had taken they had been having problem with "indent line" so I sent a picture of it to a friend of mine to "tweak" (enhance the color of the test to make the line, if there is any, more visible). She was able to pull something. So I went out and picked up a digital, unfortunately all they had were Clearblue digital's and those need 25mlU of hCG to read positive and with how light my test line from this morning was I figured there was no way but the temptation was too much.

So still not being convinced I held my pee and took the test. I put the cap on it put it back down on the counter and walked out. I told Daniel to go look at it for me because I was so nervous.
Well he decided that it would be fun to torture me before telling me what the results of my digital test were. He walked in and picked it up and was like "oh are you sure you want to know?" "What are we having for dinner?" "I'm just going to make you wait till tomorrow" Ugh stop torturing me man and tell me what it says!!!

I'm glad to say that he told me "come here and give me a kiss, you're going to be a mama!"

I'm so so so so so very excited, a little nervous but mostly excited! I called my Dr's office and left a message that I had received a positive home pregnancy test and needed to have a progesterone supplements ordered for me to pick up. They should be calling tomorrow so I can do that. I just have a good feeling about this pregnancy/baby. This just has to be it after everything that we have been through.
Daniel and I don't plan to tell our families till closer to the end of the first trimester (so hopefully they don't see this post lol) but i needed to tell "somebody" and just get it out there because I am so excited!

DIY- "Green" Exfoliant

Go green and make your own exfoliant scrub.
Since I am getting rid of the chemicals in my house my body wash with those little exfoliating beads had to go as well, so I made a sugar-coffee scrub to use. It's easy to do, works great, is super cheap and I bet you that you already have everything you will need in your home!

1/4 C Sugar (white or brown)
1/4 C Coffee grounds
2-3 tbs Olive Oil

1. Mix the coffee grounds and sugar together. (Coffee grounds can be dry or wet. If dry use olive oil, if wet no olive oil is needed but place the grounds in a clean dish cloth and absorb out a little bit of the liquid before adding to the sugar.
2. Mix in the olive oil. You can add more olive oil if you wish.
3. It's best to use this in the shower as it can get messy. Just apply generously to the body and gently exfoliate, rise and be amazed by how soft your skin is!


Note that this exfoliant leaves a slight coffee scent on the skin but you can only smell it if you get your nose right up to it, and it disappears quickly.

14 Day Natural Fertility Breakthrough- Day 1

I'm taking the Natural Fertility Breakthrough Challenge! Today is day one and so far so good. It was an easy task. Get rid of ALL chemicals in your home. From cleaning, to beauty products it had to go. Here is a picture of the stuff from my bathroom that I got rid of. Don't worry the stuff that could be recycled was put into the recycle bin.

This weekend I will be going and picking up some new spray bottles so I can make my own natural cleaning solutions with! In addition to that I need to get myself some new shampoo. I used to use an organic brand but Daniel brought the Tresemmehttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif home since it had been on sale for $1.40 a bottle. But no more of it, going back to my sweet smelling pomegranate shampoo/conditioner.
While this challenge is mainly intended for helping those struggling with trying to conceive get their bodies into better health it is great for those who are not! You should strive to be as healthy as you can be, not just okay.
If you are interested take the 14 day challenge with me. I will be posting about each of the challenges as they are sent to me and how I did, so we can do it together.
For tips on more natural and often times a lot cheaper cleaning products visit, Eartheasy-Non-toxic Home Care
Also to see where exactly your beauty/personal hygeene products fall on the "hazard" list visit EWG.org

I am so very excited to be taking this challenge, if simple things like this can help me reach my goal of a healthy baby/pregnancy then I am ALL for it!

Carrot Cake Cookies

My friend sent this to me the other day. I've changed up the directions a bit so they read easier. I'm going to have to make them for my Mom sometime soon, she loves carrot cake.

Ingredients:

Cookies:
1 C Whole Wheat Pastry Flour (I am sure that regular flour will work just as well)
1/2 C Wheat Bran
1 C Oatmeal (not the instant kind)
1/2 tsp Baking Soda
1/2 tsp Baking Powder
1 tsp Salt
1 tbs Cinnamon
1 tsp Pumpkin Pie Spice (or Nutmeg)
3/4 C Pecans (chopped)
1 tbs Vanilla Extract
1 1/2 C Shredded Carrot
2 Eggs
1/2 C Unsweetened Applesauce
2 tbs Butter, room temperature
1/2 C Brown Sugar
1/2 C Golden Raisins

Filling:
17.6 oz Container (about 2 Cups) 2% Greek Yogurt
1/4 C Honey
1 tsp Cinnamon


Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees
2. In a small bowl, pour about half cup of hot water over the raisins and let them soak.
3. In a separate bowl, whisk the eggs well.
4. Add applesauce, butter, and brown sugar to the eggs and stir well.
5. After you have done that drain the raisins and add them at this time also add the carrots to the wet mixture.
6. In another large bowl, mix all dry ingredients and the nuts.
7. Move your wet mixture to a mixer and turn it on low.
8. In thirds slowly add the dry ingredients to the wet.
9. Mix together till all ingredients are incorporated. (You should get a pretty thick dough at this point, firm enough keep form on a baking sheet, but still more moist than your typical cookie.)
9. Line the baking sheet with parchment or wax paper.
10, Use an ice cream scoop for large cookies, or a tablespoon for smaller ones scoop our your dough and set them 2 inches apart.
11. Bake for 12-16 minutes, depending on cookie size, until edges are a little brown and the middle is just set.
12. In the meantime, mix all filling ingredients together with a whisk and put in fridge to firm up.
13. Once your cookies are done baking allow them to cool before assembling into sandwiches.
14. Once cookies cool enough get your filling mix out of the fridge and spoon it onto your cookie.
15. Place another cookie on top and set back onto the baking tray.
16. Once you have made up all your sandwiches place them in the freezer for 30 minutes to fully set.


Happy Cooking.

Playing Dress Up

My "baby" girl played dress up with my jewelry last night. I must say my pearls look quite fetching on her.

Aww she's so cute. That's our little princess Abby. We got her when she was maybe a little over a month old, she was the runt and was so tiny. she's still pretty teeny but she's grown a lot since we first got her.

Daniel and I are FINALLY getting to go on down to San Diego and see my friend, our two godsons, meet our new goddaughter, and her (my friends) new husband. I am so excited! I have a small bag of baby stuff to take down to them (I had the bad impulse with my first pregnancy to buy a bunch of baby junk and then a few other times since then, thinking I would get to use it soon, HA! So by now I'm sick of seeing it so it may as well go to somebody who can actually use it) and our oldest godsons birthday was the other day, he turned three, so I have a present for him. It's going to be a good day!
But after that it's going to be a busy weekend. I have a ton of info to get together for the fertility website I am helping to work on. Check it out here.

Well I can hear Daniel's motorcycle pulling into the driveway so I'm off!

S'more Brownies

It's like camping in your kitchen, only better, no mosquitoes to deal with.

S'more Brownies:
Prep Time: 20 min approx Cook Time: 60 min give or take

Ingredients:
Crust:
6 tbs Butter (melted)
1 1/2 C crushed Graham Cracker crumbs
2 tbs Sugar


Brownie: *to cheat you can always used box mix brownies*
8 tbs (1 stick) Butter
4 oz Unsweetened Chocolate (chopped)
1 C packed Brown Sugar
3/4 C Sugar
1 1/2 tsp Vanilla Extract
1/2 tsp Salt
4 large Eggs
1 C Flour

Topping:
4 C large Marshmallows

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.
2. Line an 8 by-8-inch square baking pan with foil so it hangs over the edges by about 1 inch.

For the crust:
1. Lightly brush the foil with some of the melted butter.
2. In a medium bowl stir the rest of the butter into the crumbs and sugar.
3. Pour the crumb mixture into the bottom of your foiled pan, pressing it evenly over the bottom of the pan.
4. Bake until golden brown, about 20 minutes.

Brownie:
1. Put the butter and chocolate in a medium microwave safe bowl.
2. Turn the microwave power onto 75 percent and cook for 2 minutes.
3. Remove the bowl stir the chocolate, and microwave again until completely melted (about 2 more minutes).
4. Stir the brown and white sugars, vanilla and salt into the melted chocolate.
5. Add the eggs and beat vigorously to make a thick and shiny looking batter.
6. Add the flour and stir until incorporated.
7. Pour batter into the prepared pan, with the gram cracker crust on the bottom.
8. Bake until a toothpick can be inserted into the middle and comes out mostly clean, with a few crumbs, about 45 minutes.
9. Remove from the oven and layer marshmallows across the top and toast under the broiler until golden brown about 2 minutes.
10. Keep a close eye on them, as they can brown quickly.
11. Cool on a rack in the pan for 10-15 minutes.
12. After your pan has cooled gently removing the brownies from the pan using the aluminum flaps.
13. Cut and serve!

Happy Cooking!

Are "you" to blame?

So I had a miscarriage in March of 2010 somewhere close to 7 weeks, probably earlier. I was so shocked when I found out that I was pregnant, because I had been tracking my cycle and didn't pick up any ovulation taking place so I didn't bother testing at all. I figured I was having an anovulatory cycle and I would just have to let it run it's course. But then I randomly tested and had two pink lines show up and then a digital that said "pregnant". I was so excited I couldn't control how much I was shaking. When Daniel walked in the house I threw the test at him to look at. Anyways a few days after finding out I began to miscarry and a couple days after that the Dr confirmed it.

I wasn't given any reason for why it happened. I was told that it's just bad luck, that something must have been wrong and nature was doing what it needed to do. I am still heartbroken over that loss, a small piece of me died that day.

Fast forward to over a year later.
I was in my room watching TV and one of those attorney commercials came on talking about how different drugs had been linked to bad birth defects in the children who's mothers had been taking them. I wasn't really paying attention to it till they start listing off the drugs that had been linked. And then I heard not one but two of the drugs that I had been prescribed and had been taking when I got pregnant.
So it's highly likely that because I was taking those drugs a defect could have happened during those for few vital weeks of growth. A defect that could have possibly been interpreted to my body as being incompatible with normal life.
I'm thinking of calling up this attorney office and talking with them, obviously I don't know for a fact that those drugs are what caused the miscarriage but the fact that I had a miscarriage while taking them (which as I said have now been linked to birth defects) makes it a very likely culprit for that first miscarriage.

Then again maybe I am grasping at straws and just still wishing for a real reason not just "bad luck".

Star Tours Preview!

So for about the last year (maybe more) Disneyland has had Star Tours (the Star Wars themed ride at Disneyland) closed for a total makeover. It's been a long (impatient) wait for them to complete it but it's finally done and will be opening June 3rd! Now as I have said before Daniel and I have annual passes so we can go pretty much whenever we want (except Saturdays, which is cool because it's way to crowded on weekends). Anyways Disney was having a special contest for annual pass holders to come and preview the ride before it opens so I entered us and forgot about it.

Well I just checked my email and guess what? I was one of the lucky winners!
So instead of fighting a mob June 3rd to got on the ride we get to go up 2 days early and ride it on the 1st! I'm so excited! I have heard a lot of different "slips" from cast members who have been on it and I can't wait to see if what they have said it true!
Yay! This totally made my day!

200

We hit 200 followers this morning so thank you all! It means a lot to me and really your comments and encouragement mean the world to me and pick me up when I'm feeling a little low. You ROCK!
A big "Thank You!" to everybody who participated in yesterday's Sundae Hop. I am 98% positive that I got to each and every single one of you who participated and I am either now newly following you or I was already following you so I left a comment just saying thanks for joining us, as well as trying to make sure to make a real comment about whatever you had posted about. (I dunno about you but it can get annoying when you have a ton of people just leaving you comments saying "I'm following you, check out my blog".)
There are a few Monday hops going on right now, check out my blog hop section and see if there are one or two you would like to participate in. Also check out the ones that will be going on for Tuesday and link up with them soon. I know the hostesses would love to have you participate!

Hope you all are finding a way to have a great Monday!

It rained today

It was raining pretty hard this morning.
I enjoyed it (from inside my house).

I can't speak for everybody else but at least for me, rain is AWLAYS welcomed here in southern California. We don't get enough of it and that's why pretty much every year the whole southern half of the state catches on fire. (You know not cutting down dead brush and doing control burns doesn't help one bit either!) Last year we were lucky enough to have gotten enough rain that we didn't have any big fires, I doubt that we will be so lucky this year. As I said living in southern California we don't see a lot of rain so it's becomes somewhat of a novelty thing for most people. I love it, it gives me an excuse to stay in side curled up on the couch watching TV or reading. Unfortunately the rain didn't last long and by 1300 the sun was out and shining bright again. But it reminded me of my very first blog posting from back in 2008 (different blog). Figured I would re-post and share and heck it's always fun to look back at old posts/writing and see what has changed (if anything).

Yesterday I was awoken by a loud crack of thunder, and then the rain started pouring down. It didn't last long though....A few moments later my sister came running in, soaking wet and dragged me outside to look at the rainbow. It was one of the biggest rainbows that I had ever seen and each color was so bright and vivid, it was just beautiful. It was a totally freak storm that nobody predicted, but it flooded some areas of town, including my backyard lol...For some reason today that just got me thinking that to get to what is beautiful in life you had to sometimes deal with the "down pour". It may be difficult but the reward for making it through is worth it, even if it only lasts for a short time. Obviously it was the same with Noah. Even with all the evil going on in the world God saw Noah and saw that he was still faithful and good, and rewarded him greatly for that... So really this has nothing to do with rain but the fact that if through hard situation [any situation for that matter] we rely on God, keeping in mind that he knows/wants what is best for us, our faith will be stronger and we will be rewarded for it...
Genesis 9: 12-16 Then God said, “I am giving you a sign of my covenant with you and with all living creatures, for all generations to come. I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth. When I send clouds over the earth, the rainbow will appear in the clouds, and I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures. Never again will the flood waters destroy all life. When I see the rainbow in the clouds, I will remember the eternal covenant between God and every living creature on earth.”

Well it appears that my mindset and outlook on things hasn't changed all that much in the last 3 years. I still believe that if you hang on through the storm you will find what you are looking for. That there is a silver lining to every cloud you just have to be patient and look for it. Now while I do more often than not have a positive outlook on things and try not to let things get me to down I am only a woman and those hormones and emotions get the best of me and I break. But I just cry it out and whine and moan about it for a while then get back up and throw that smile back on.

Sundae Blog Hop Co-Host

I'm just now getting in from work so I am a little late posting this, I do apologize! I would have been home earlier and therefore posted earlier but we were playing hide and seek with our Jr High students and we had a very difficult time finding one girl. Even after driving around on the golf-carts for 30mins and yelling her name telling her that the game was over she still didn't come out...
Anyways I'm co-hosting the Sundae (like Sunday teehee) blog hop this weekend, we sure would love if you joined us!

White Chicken Chilli

White Chicken Chilli:
Prep Time: 45 min Cook Time: 4 hours
This is one of my husbands all time favorites!

Ingredients:
1 medium White Onion (chopped)
1 clove Garlic (minced)
1 tbs Olive Oil
4 cooked, boneless skinless Chicken Breast halves (chopped/shredded)
2 (14-oz) cans Chicken Broth
1 (4-oz) can chopped Green Chilies
2 tsp ground Cumin
2 tsp dried oregano
3/4 tsp Cayenne Pepper
3 (14.5-oz) cans Great Northern beans or Navy beans (drained, divided)
1 (4-oz) C Monterey Jack cheese (shredded)
Chopped Jalapeno Pepper (optional)

Directions:
1. In a large saucepan over medium heat, cook the onions and garlic in oil for 10 minutes or until onions are tender/translucent.
(If you are using the crock-pot you can just throw the garlic/onion right in as it will cook and become tender while everything else cooks. But if you want to semi caramelize grab a pan then throw them in the pot)
2. Boil chicken until it is cooked through.
3. Using a fork and knife shred the chicken.
4. Add the shredded chicken, chicken broth, green chilies, cumin, oregano, cayenne pepper and beans; bring to a boil.
(If using crock-pot just throw everything in the pot and set to HIGH for 2-3 hours stirring occasionally).
5. Reduce heat to low (After cooking on high for 2-3 hours set to LOW and allow to cook for another 1-2 hours so the flavor become more intense).
6. After 2 hours turn heat off, top each serving with cheese and jalapeno pepper if desired.


Happy Cooking!

Happy Birthday to my Fishy-Face! (take 2)

First I posted this yesterday morning, it posted fine I even viewed it on my blog at least 3 times (heck I saved it as a draft every so often because I knew others had been having a problem) and last night blogger decided to be a butt head and delete it! Oh and in addition to deleting my entry from yesterday, it deleted several of the comments that you had left for me. Do if you don't see a comment and know you left me one I didn't delete it or just not post it. Blogger is to blame.Dude, not cool! So here's round two, sadly it will be nowhere near as good as my first post I made for his, so thanks a lot blogger. You suck! So take two. =/

Happy Birthday 23rd to my amazing husband! I love you so much. You are such an amazing person and I am so glad to be a part of your life. I look forward to growing old with you and having many more birthdays to celebrate. Except knowing you, you will never be old. You will always be full of insane amounts of energy and acting like a big goof ball. I'm so glad you were born you make the stars shine brighter just because you are here. Happy birthday my love!

The morning started out with 23 birthday kisses and birthday pancakes!
And after he had to go take a math test. So I ran around town getting a few things for a list minute family birthday lunch complete with pizza, his favorite blue Gatorade, ice cream cake, and a silly string fight. It was fun and that's what mattered.


Then we went off to Disneyland. We got him a birthday button and went on some rides. I think that he definitely had a good 23rd birthday.

A cooking rut?

Me? No! Never!

Yes... I seem to find myself in a cooking rut. I can't find anything that's really standing out to me, or that I have been interested in cooking. Nothing just sounds appetizing which makes it difficult to cook and having a ridiculously indecisive husband who wont tell me what he wants me to make doesn't help either. So I'm going through different recipes trying to find something that catches my eye, and then I'll have something good to post for you!
...hopefully later today.

Genetics Results (re-post of bloodwork from March)

The genetics counselor that I had met with called me this morning and gave me my test results. (4 days later than what I was originally told I would have my result back, but it's whatever) Anyways everything came back normal, no abnormalities or crossed chromosomes. So that's good, I can check that off the list of reasons for miscarriage and move on to the next thing. I wasn't really worried about it all that much though, if I recall correctly the paperwork that the counselor had given me said that 5% or less of women in their 20's have miscarriages/pregnancies issues due to chromosomal abnormalities. My Dr had told me (when I got my ultrasound results back) that she was going to refer me to a perinatologist for preconception and early conception recommendations.
Actually I just got an email back from her and she's going to put the referral in for me later today so sometime this week I should receive a call to set up an appointment. I'm interested to see what they have to say or recommend. I'm not positive of what a Perinatologist is but from the couple things I have read they are basically just a more in depth OB specializing in high risk pregnancies. So that along with the fact that my OB had said that next time I get pregnant she was going to monitor me closely and put me on progesterone supplements immediately (even if it looks to be high enough, which it hasn't at any of mt P4 draws) tells me I may already be classified as "high risk". Now I'm not positive of that and can't really be till I ask or get pregnant again, but it wouldn't surprise me, if they wanted to classify me as such just to keep a closer eye out.
Not sure I would really like that though because I believe it would put a halt to my use of a birth center for labor/birthing. But it's not something I need to worry about just yet!

So anyways, my good news for the day is that I have no genetic defects that could possibly be passed along in a pregnancy causing the miscarriages. A relief but at the same time it just makes me mad that there is still no known reason for why I have lost two children. But they say third times a charm right? I'm confident that working with my Dr's our next pregnancy will be the one, the baby we get to bring home.

Re-posting my blood work results here in this blog.

Test Results
FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone)
My Results: 6.1 mIU/mL
Standard Range in women who are menstruating: 4.7 - 21.5 mIU/ml

A follicle-stimulating hormone test measures the amount of follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) in a blood sample. FSH is produced by the pituitary gland.
* In women, FSH helps control the menstrual cycle and the production of eggs by the ovaries. The amount of FSH varies throughout a woman's menstrual cycle and is highest just before she releases an egg (ovulates).
The amounts of FSH and other hormones (luteinizing hormone, estrogen, and progesterone) are measured in both a man and a woman to determine why the couple cannot become pregnant (infertility). The FSH level can help determine whether male or female sex organs (testicles or ovaries) are functioning properly.


Progesterone
My Results: 0.44 ng/mL
Standard Results: Unable to find
This test doesn't count for much since it was done on CD3 and to know progesterone levels it needs to be done at 7DPO.


TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone)
My Results: 0.69 uIU/mL
Standard Range: 0.35 - 4.00 uIU/mL

PROTEIN-C
My Results: 129 %
Standard Results: 95 - 172%

PROTEIN-S
My Results: 69 %
Standard Range: 50 - 118 %

ANTITHROMBIN III
My Results: 104 %
Standard Range: 80 - 120

Basically all my test results have come back normal so there is no reason for me not to be ovulating. Looks like I will be meeting with the genetic councilor soon.

Do you know your worth?

Let me start by saying sorry, I know this post will probably be very scatter brained and jumpy. I am just having an off day where it's impossible to articulate what you want to say well.


This poem was inspired by Psalms 139. I recall seeing this in a frame in my house growing up but never paid much attention to it.
This past Tuesday with the Jr High girls I work with we talked about self-worth and how they are worth far more than what the world tells them they are. I don't have children, so I obviously don't have a daughter but I can see what my Jr High girls struggle with and remember how I felt at that age and into high school as well.
You turn on the TV or open up a magazine and see an image of what "the perfect woman" looks like. That our worth is only in our outward appearance and what we own. That you have to have the latest and "greatest" to be a somebody worthy of acknowledgment.
Heck it's not just young girls that are told this us women in our 20's, 30's and so on are and told we should look younger and that we have to stay skinny and fit to be beautiful and worthy of a mans affection/attention (and let me say that if that is all your "man" is looking at you should drop him like a hot potato because you deserve far better!)
Beauty is a physical thing but it's so much more than that. I'm not saying that you shouldn't make yourself look good, you should because it makes you feel good but not because you feel the need to fit to what society tells you.
I think it's important to remember that, to tell yourself and the young girls in your life that they are beautiful, tell them what makes them such an amazing individual.

Now that my ramble (which I don't feel is very well worded or flowing quiet eloquently as I would like...but that's what happens when I write about something I feel strongly about) is over I will move back to the poem. The poem below, I just found to be really up lifting and was so glad that my girls were able to read it, because whether they admit it or not all young girls struggle with the feeling of self worth, even if it's just for a moment. Our director set up a slide show and set the poem to "Who Am I?" by Casting Crowns. And wouldn't you know it was an emotional day and the music got me all misty eyed. Push play as you read the poem if you like.



I made her...she is different. She is unique.
With love I formed her in her mother's womb.
I fashioned her with great joy.
I remember with great pleasure the day I created her.

I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh
And the silly things she says and does.
She brings me great pleasure. This is how I made her.

I made her pretty and not beautiful.
I wanted her to search out her heart and learn that
it would be ME in her that would make her beautiful...
And it would be Me that would draw others to her.

I made her in such a way that she would need me.

I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be...
Only because I need for her to learn and depend on Me.
I know her heart. I know that if I had not made her like this,
She would go her own chosen way
And forget Me...her Creator.

Because I love her, I have seen her broken heart...
and the tears she cried alone.
I have cried with her and had a broken heart too.

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone...
Only because she would not hold my hand.
So many lessons she's learned the hard way
because she would not listen to My voice.

So many times I have sat back and sadly
watched her go her merry way alone...
Only to watch her return to my arms,
sad and broken.

And now she is Mine again.
I made her, and I bought her...
Because I love her.

I have to reshape and remold her
To renew her to what I planned for her to be
It has not been easy for her or for Me.

I want her to be conformed to My image.
This high goal I have set for her...

Because I love her.
-Author Unknown

So thank you for getting through another one of my ramblings I appreciated it. And I wanted to remind you that you are a beautiful woman and worth so much to so many people.

From my husband

The flowers that my amazingly spectacular-sweet husband got me for Mothers Day. Today has been a slightly emotional day. I cried a few times at church this morning and then when he gave me the flowers. I had a few sweet friends on facebook also tell me "happy mothers day" which warmed my heart that I was acknowledged as a mother even though both my children are in heaven. One day...

I wrote this poem a few weeks ago when I was at another really low point of just being tired and upset from the miscarriage and my dearest aunt Flo showing up again meaning that I was still having to be trying to conceive...again. Actually it was my first failed med cycle so it's not surprising that I was upset. But reading it now I find it more encouraging (for me) because it's true that one day I will reach my goal.

We'll get there one day...but not today.
We'll hold you in our arms one day...but not today.
Today, tomorrow, and the next day...we fight an seemingly never ending battle.
A battle against our own bodies, our own emotions, sometimes against the world.

We'll get there one day...but not today.

Today we cry tears over empty arms, and broken hearts.
Over seeing only one pink line staring back at us.
Tears of frustration, wanting to give up but wanting it so bad you just can't...because that would hurt even more.
Today we cry because another friend announced she is pregnant.
It's not that we are not happy for them, we are just sorry for ourselves.

We'll get there one day...but not today.

Today we head back to the doctors office to make more plans for yet another cycle.
Today we have more blood work done...more poking and prodding, and analysis's done.
Today we go back to the doctor and make plans for yet another cycle that we wish we were not having to make.

We'll get there one day...but not today.

We wont give up.
We wont give in.
Even though it's an uphill battle we'll fight till we win.
One day we'll finally reach our dream.
One day we'll hold you in our arms and cry sweet tears of victory.
...but not today.
-Elizabeth Lane

Mothers Day is around the corner (long)

Mothers Day is in just 3 days, have you gotten your Mother something yet? Daniel and I bought my mama her present this past Monday. I chose it because it's something that actually has a lot of meaning to me and I believe it will to her as well. Now let me warn you now that this post is going to be a very long one and may cause you to cry.

I'm not sure if I ever posted it on this blog but this past February my 18 year old brother very suddenly and very unexpectedly passed away. I posted this 2-18-11 in my old blog so I am just going to copy and past it here:
The last two weeks have been such a blur. I have been pulled in seemingly every direction possible in such a short amount of time. Now I finally have a chance to sit down and write what has been going on. February 10th 2011 at 2000 hours my little brother Jacob George was pronounced dead. The day started at 0545 the morning of the 10th with my mother pounding on my and Daniel's bedroom door, telling us to get up and come down stairs because there was a problem. The first thought to run through my mind was "ugh I don't want to do a fire drill right now." (Since my sibling are all still so young they periodically do fire drills) So I got up put my robe on and stumbled out into the light, down the stairs and into the living room where my mom was. She had just grabbed the phone and was calling 911. She said, "we need an ambulance my son isn't responsive and is having a hard time breathing" So I then ran back up stairs and made Daniel get out of bed, we both went back down stairs and corralled up the cats and locked them in a room upstairs so we were sure that they would be out of the way. We were told to go outside and wait to the paramedics to get here and direct them into the house and down to where Jacob's room was. They were there in maybe a 5 minute time span from when my mom had hung up the phone. The fire dept showed up first. They came in and got the basic info on Jacob from my parents then the paramedics showed up and brought in the gerny and oxygen. They put the oxygen mask on him, placed him on the stretcher and were off the Tri-City hospital. Little did I know that as I watched them wheel him out it would be the last time I ever saw him leaving the house...
My parents took off right behind the ambulance, and Daniel and I got Steven (my youngest brother) ready for school. His friend came and picked up him and Daniel and I, exhausted from being woken up so early, went back to bed and got another hour or two of much needed sleep.
We started getting texts from my mom updating us on Jacob's condition. Seemingly every hour on the hour we got a text and each text got worse and worse. (Oh it's important for me to point out that my brother had Cerebral Palsy unable to walk or talk or communicate, he was prone to seizures and had several in the past).
While in the ER he had two heart attacks which caused his lungs to fully give out on him, and that he had slipped into a coma, so he was then put on a respirator. He had virtually no blood pressure (or at least non that they could easily detect) so they had to insert a central line, which goes from the neck (through the artery I believe) down to the heart to pick up the heart beat. When they did that he started to bleed out and they had a hard time getting that to stop.
He was hooked up to so many wires and machines.
My sister and I headed over to the hospital around 1300 after they had gotten him into a private ICU room. By that point they had already found out the both his liver and kidneys were failing. So even if he had made a full recovery he would have needed transplants of those organs and/or full time dialysis treatment. But there was no chance of him receiving a transplant in such a short amount of time. Plus it was also discovered that he had Influenza A which just made things worse.
From 1300-1900 or so Daniel, Roz and I were all there at the hospital. Steven came after school for a short time and was able to say good-bye but it was overwhelming for him so he only stayed for a few minutes then left to stay the night at a friends house. During those 4 hours or so several people came to see Jacob and offer support. Though everybody was saddened by the situation and ultimately knew what the outcome would be, we spent those few hours just laughing and telling stories about him. The nurses all working in the ICU looked at us so strangely like "how can you be laughing at a time like this?" Well what else should we do? Be miserable and just cry or be joyful about the life that he lived and all the love he had.
Around 1900 Daniel, Roz, and I went home to get something to eat and Daniel and I had growth group that we were still planning on going to. Maybe ten minutes after we got home my mom sent a text saying they had talked with the Dr about the most recent results and it was time to take him off of life support. We told her that we would be on our way in just a moment and at first she said no but a moment later she said okay yes she wanted us to come (didn't matter we would have gone anyways). So we all loaded back up in the car and drove over to the hospital.
We walked...well probably more like sprinted, down through the hall to the end where the doors to the ICU were. Time seemed to just be hanging there. My mom was sitting on the deck they had outside, just staring straight ahead. She began to tell us what all the Dr had said and started crying. We all hugged her and started crying ourselves. My dad then walked up (he had to take something out to the car) I hugged him and told him I was sorry, he started crying as well.
The nurse came out into the hall and told us that they were going to be taking him off the machine is just a moment and remove all the tubes and clean him up and after they had done that they would come get us to see him.
We waited in the private waiting room. My parents began talking about what they would do: if they would have a memorial, if they would cremate him, etc. I called my growth group leader and told them what was going on and that we would be late. She told me we didn't need to come but Daniel and I felt it was still best for us to go and get support from others and prayer for the family.
After what seemed like ages the nurse finally came and got us. Daniel and I walked on either side of my mom who slowly made her way through the door around the corner and toward room 302.
Since he had Influenza A we were given masks to wear as a precaution. Then we all slowly walked into the room closing the curtain and door behind us. He was laying there just looking like he was sleeping. I believe that he was already dead at that point and I could see no breath movements from his chest. We stood there saying our good-byes for all least half and hour. At 2000 Daniel and I left to give my parents sometime alone. When we got home later that evening my mom was sitting in a chair covered in one of Jacob's blankets and holding onto one of his stuffed animals. She wasn't there though.
Daniel and I went to bed and lay awake for a while talking about that day and crying about Jacob's sudden passing and how bad we felt for the hurt we knew my parents were feeling. We got up the next morning and talked with my parents. They had been planning a vacation to Hawaii that they had planned on leaving for that coming Monday but weren't sure about going. We were able to "talk them into" going and they asked us to take care of all the memorial arrangements.
So they left for Hawaii and Daniel and I began everything we needed to do for the memorial. I wont go into detail about all that but we had the memorial this past Friday evening. It went beautifully. At 1600 Daniel and I picked up 12 sub sandwiches for the reception, packed up all the pictures and mementos to decorate the back table with. We arrived at the church around 1630 and went to work. I set up the tables and flowers/candles, dropped the sandwiches off in the kitchen for the volunteers there to cut up for the reception. Daniel was going to be singing a song so he was doing sound check, and before we knew it it was 1730 and people were arriving. We started a little late due to my parents well being late but it wasn't a big deal. JD (the pastor) welcomed everybody on behalf of the family and gave an opening prayer. Then Russ sang "Forever Reign"....like I said the whole thing went beautifully and they will be getting us a DVD of the service by next week and if I am able to I will post it.
Thank you for taking time to read through my ramblings.
RIP Jacob George Riebau December 22 1992-February 10 2011 Son, Brother, Warrior, Angel.

So now that you have the background I will move onto what I got my mama for Mothers Day and why it has such a strong meaning to me. But again I have to tell you a story, the story of The Dragonfly.

The Dragonfly Story:
Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.
"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "one of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return...
"That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.
No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea". "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."
"We promise", they said solemnly.
One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.
When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings...The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!
Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.
The dragonfly remembered the promise: "the next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...
"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."
And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air......

I heard that story when I had my first miscarriage and loved it then, but it took on a new meaning for me when my brother died. So when I found this necklace I immediately thought of the dragonfly story and knew I had to get it for my mama! It's a beautiful dragonfly shaped charm with different gemstones in a rainbow pattern and small diamonds. We're good friends with a few of the jewelers who work at Ben Bridge so while we were purchasing it they asked who it was for and such so I told them the whole story and they all thought it was such a sweet idea.
I drew that dragonfly on the card and am going to print out the dragonfly story and paste it on the inside. I think that she will like it, I think that she will cry, but I think that it will mean a lot to her.

Thanks for hanging through all that! I know it was a lot to get through.
Oh and a reminder again that my gift card giveaway ends this Saturday so go enter now!

On to another cycle

Well this last cycle, my second medicated cycle, was a bust. My dear Aunt Flo showed up right on time. And apparently I did something to tick her off because man is she kicking my butt this time! Ouch. So I had already decided this from the very beginning when I first started clomid (which feels like so long ago now even it has only been two cycles) but I will be taking a drug break over the summer. So from now till at least the end of July I'm going to be med free. I'm not sure what my cycle will be like but I don't care I need the break. I don't know how many of you out there have ever been on clomid but it does a number on you, and when it fails it just makes it suck all the more. Oh well though it's disappointing but not unexpected and as usual it wont stop me from trying again!

Guacamole

You can't live in Southern California and not like Guacamole, although until I started making my own I never really like it. Homemade is definitely the way to go and it's easy!
Total Time: 10 min

Ingredients:
4-5 ripe Hass Avocados
Juice from 1 Lemon
Juice from 1 Lime
1 small-medium Jalapeno (minced, seeds removed)
1/2 C White Onion (diced)
1 medium Tomato (diced)
1 large Garlic clove (minced)
1 tsp Salt


Directions:
1. Cut the avocados in half and remove the pits.
2. Scoop the "meat" out of their shells into a large bowl.
3. With a fork or potato masher, mass up the avocados, you can make it as smooth or chunky as you wish.
4. Add the lemon/lime juice, jalapeno, onion, garlic, salt, and tomatoes fold together and you're done!



Don't forget to check out my giveaway!! It ends this weekend.

Just for fun...psychic reading

So I have several (online) friends who have all had a psychic reading done, just for fun, though some people have found that what they were told was accurate and lined up with what was going on in their lives. Now I do believe in a spiritual realm and that some people are more spiritually sensitive than others so they may be able to tap into it and see things but I don't really place my faith in what they say. It's just for fun and that's what you have to tell yourself when you get any form of psychic reading done. So anyways they had all had a reading done recently by one psychic in particular "Stormy" I figured what the heck their reads have all been really fun to read I'll get one myself. I ordered it from her website close to midnight on Friday and got a reply back from her this morning! Pretty fast turn around time.
Anyways here is what she said:

Hi E,

I'm sorry this took me awhile to get to, I'm really backed up right now and it didn't help that a few days ago all the power went out for the day in my neighborhood.


When I gain a connection to the energies around you, there is one energy that approaches to help me through this. You do have several guiding energies around you E but this one is more focused on your journey to have a baby. I am told that these losses have hit you hard and that they have created all these new doubts about a pregnancy actually lasting for you. I am being shown that this fear you have is understandable but I also sense that you will not have to go through it again, I am shown that you have gone through so much trying for this baby and that you have finally made yourself stop stressing about things and just letting them happen. I am also assured that you are on the right pathway to the conception of your baby E.

There is another energy I am shown that is a female and presented in an infant form, this is your energies way of letting me know that a baby is coming very soon, I usually will not see any energies like this unless a baby is coming within the next 7 or 8 months. All though I do see this baby very clearly, she is at a distance and almost hides herself from me. I don't sense that anything is wrong and when I turn my attention to this your guiding energy insists that this is a shy soul. You will most likely see this in her at a young age. They show me as well that she will be very connected to you through life and I sense that this will be a bit of separation anxiety you'll have to go through with her.

I turn my attention to when this baby is planning on showing up and I am told that she has been waiting around you for a long time but is awaiting the perfect moment to come. I come across this answer quite a bit in readings about conception. Your guiding energy is showing me the month of January and I sense that this will be a conception month of your daughter. I also get the feeling that this will be an exiting time for you, not just from a pregnancy, I am shown that there will be different things happening in your life at this time and a baby will just add that much more to celebrate about.

I am actually shown that this will have something to do with your husband and his career. Good news should be coming in January for your family E.

Your guiding energies are showing me that you are in good health but that this is something else that adds a bit of fear within you, I sense that this is heath concerns you have had a long time ago that you are worried will re appear or cause more problems. I am also sensing that you have taken many steps in fixing this through a healthy lifestyle. I am shown that certain routines you have had in the past have changed and are leading into a very healthy life.

I turn my attention now to any future children that may be showing up and I do sense that there will be 2 kids in your life. I don't like to relay what I am not 100% sure about but I sense that these are 2 more, after this next pregnancy. Your guiding energies are insisting that you are going to be having a growing family very soon after a long troubling wait.

You and your husband are very connected to each other and share the same need for a baby, I am actually being shown that you have set this thought together into the world and your prayer will be answered soon E.

I am also being told that your miscarriage's were not your fault and that all though you may blame yourself this was in fact a choice made by these individual souls. They still center themselves around you E and I sense that both of them may be showing up for you again at a later date. One of your losses was a boy and he stands out right now for me, I think you will find him re appear in your life after you have your daughter, he knows that he is loved.

You are a dedicated wife and feel you deserve to be able to spread this dedication and love onto other family members. You will get your chance E, I sense this little girl will be showing up by the end of the year, January stands out to me but I also sense she is still in the debating phase of when to come, you may find her show up earlier than January.

I hope you get your positive pregnancy test sooner than later.

Stormy

So as I said I don't put much weight into psychics but I cried when I read this I cried hard, especially when she said that one of the babies I miscarried was a boy cause I knew one had been. So that definitely hit me hard. I would love to believe this and see it all put into play and actually happen, but who knows what will actually happen...we'll see. Either way it was fun to read what she saw/found definitely lifted my spirit this morning which is always good. If you would like to get your own reading I have Stormy's website linked up at the top.


OH! Ultrasound results are back and everything is normal, so yes I was freaking out for no reason. My Dr said that if my/Daniel's chromosomal tests come back normal she is going to refer me to a Perinatologist (a Dr who specialist in the placenta and development). So that's good that all my hidden goods are healthy and in proper place!

Babylost Mothers Day

Today is May 1st, International Babylost Mothers Day.

Although most of society doesn't recognize it or agree, I'm a Mother. I have two children up in heaven. I was never able to meet them to kiss their cheeks but I loved them as an Mother would and I would have given anything to save them had I been able to. Though I may not be recognized as a Mother I'm a Mother in my heart, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of them and wish so badly to be able to have them in my arms.
Those Mothers out there that have lost a child/children you have my love, especially those Mothers who have only lost their children. You're a Mother, don't forget that or let anybody tell you different. Just because we are not able to hold our children in our arms does not mean we're not Mothers. One day I will see my babies and be able to hold them and never let go.